A friend of mine on facebook posted a link to a letter which was send to a columnist asking for help! The guy who wrote the letter stated that he is in love with his girlfriend, and she with him. They both think they have found the one in each other, and so they have been daydreaming about their future! In one of their hypothetical future discussions the guy brought up having kids. His girlfriend firmly responded that she doesn't want any, ever! He wrote that the issue has been brought up a few more times by him, and his girlfriend has gotten more annoyed every time. The last time that he brought up the kid issue, apparently she got very defensive and distant. So the guy was asking the columnist what he should do.
The columnist responded that if the girlfriend says she doesn't want any kids, she doesn't want any kids! She told the letter writer that if he wants kids, then if he stays, that means that he has to give up on his dream of wanting kids, since there is no way he can expect/anticipate his girlfriend would change her mind. Thus if he is willing to give up on having kids then by all means he should stay, otherwise he should move on to find a woman who shares more of his dreams for their future. Many readers had responded to this story, I think more than 1000 comments were posted! I read a few of the entries and all had said what the columnist posted.
A friend of my friend responded on her facebook that this guy is mistaken, neither him nor his girlfriend have found the one in each other! If they did they would have made compromises! I am very annoyed by this comment! How can you make compromise if someone wants something and the other doesn't? There is no half way. As the columnist and all her readers commented, either someone in the relationship has to completely give up on what he/she wants, or they have to move on and find someone who share their dreams, there is no middle ground!
A second person responded on a facebook that he never thought having kids was in his future, but when he met his wife, there was never a question, he knew he wanted to marry her and start a family!
I decided to stay out of that discussion. I closed my browser, and I am waiting for the discussion to go away, since this issue hits too close to home for me. But I figured it is safe to unload here, lol.
First of all I praise this letter writer for discussing his plans for the future, as he sees it, with his girlfriend, now that he feels they are getting serious. My ex husband and I never did that! It could be that we were both very young, and were working too hard at the time we got married, that we hadn't had time to consider a discussion about our future! So yes the question is why we got married when we did!
In my situation the roles are actually reversed. I wanted kids, and my ex didn't! I realized this fact couple of years into our marriage! Basically we had read each other wrong!
In one of our screaming matches he told me that he thought I was a career oriented, hardworking, ambitious women, and that my career always came first and by far. Well, that was me all right immediately after I graduated from college, sort of, kinda of! But I anticipated that phase of my life would be short.
On the other hand, I too had read my ex wrong! I thought being workaholic, working seven days of week, over 70 hours of week, was a temporary phase for us. That once we established ourselves and advanced in our careers rapidly, we would slow down, and think about starting a family! Not the case for him! He wanted to proceed that way for the next 20 years!
Let me backup a bit!
We met when we started our first jobs on the same day. I was 21 and he was 24. About 8 months later we started dating. A year and half into our relationship we moved in together, mostly because we were either at my place or at his, and we felt it was very inconvenient! So when he suggested we move in together, I accepted! Even then I did not think about marriage!
Both my older sisters warned me that I was moving too fast! Sister #1 married right after college, sister #2 married a month before her 29th birthday, and both advised me to marry in my late 20s, and only after a long courtship, when we had figured each other out, more or less. Sister #1 told me that during the first few years of her marriage, there were many occasions when she was ready to take her daughter and walk out of her marriage.
I agreed with them wholeheartedly and accepted their advice. I wanted to take the path they were advising me to take. But then when on our vacation, celebrating our two year anniversary, my ex purposed, I accepted, and we eloped! That was so unlike me! I am a planner! And he was too, to some extent; that is why I don't know why we made the biggest decision of our lives in a whim!
Yes, we both had planned our future and clearly knew what we wanted! I knew what I wanted in my life, and he in his. But we just forgot to mention our plans prior to getting married to each other, to make sure that our plans match to some extend!
Have you seen the movie "He's Just Not That Into You"? Or maybe I should ask, have you read the book "He's Just Not That Into You"? I haven't read the book yet, but have seen the movie! Anyhow, the Ginnifer Goodwin's character Gigi, wanted/hoped to be the exception, and to get the guy. I on the other hand, always wanted to be the norm! I wanted to take the path that most people my age take/took, the path that most my friends had planned to take, the path that my two older sisters had taken, at different times, but the outcomes were the same.
I wanted to complete my education, and that meant at least a master's degree. But since most my classmates decided to work after college, I decided to work for a while too! My plan was to work for at most three years, go to graduate school, finish my education, however far I wanted to take it, by my late 20s. Be married by early 30s! Move up the corporate ladder until I am 35. Then start a family and work only part time. Have 3-4 kids! Go back to work fulltime once our kids were all in school, and then enjoy watching them grow up and help them build their future, just like my parents had done for us, just like my sisters were/are doing, just like my best friends are doing, just like my younger sister is probably going to do!
On the other hand, my ex's plan was to move up the corporate ladder, fast. When we met he had just gotten his MBA, and he was done with his education.
In one of our discussions/arguments when we were married, he admitted that he wanted to be a CFO of a successful, multi-million dollar company, with 250+ employees, by the time he was 40. Retire temporary for a decade when he was in his early 50s, to go golfing, sailing, racing, travelling, basically enjoying life while he is still young. By the time he is in his 60s, he was willing to go back to work, in an advising capacity, be on a board of few companies, approve decisions, and being paid big bucks for it, without too much stress or responsibility!
What I didn't, and still don't, understand was, why did we have that discussion in the middle of one of our fights after being married for a few years? Why didn't he tell me this on one of our dates? That is something you share with your girlfriend of more than a year, right? That is something you share with your live-in girlfriend, right?
Anyhow, when we said "I do", we had not talked about our life plans to each other! We had no idea, how different, well exactly opposite, we want our future to progress.
At that point we had been living together for six months, during which we had been working long hours. Finally our hard work was coming into fruition at the small startup company, they were going public, there was promise of stock options, and we couldn't be happier. I felt that I could easily go to school, hopefully have a school stipend, and supply my living expenses with selling some of the stock options. I was even in contact with my academic advisor and was trying to apply to the program that fall; now I shared that with my ex, wanting to go back to school, and that I was planning for it!
We were given generous rewards, in form of stock options, for our hard work, working seven days a week, for three years. My ex sold his shares right away and used it as a down payment for a very expensive car. I bought my shares for keep and planned to sell them, as needed, while at school.
A few months into our marriage, the summer before I wanted to start school, my ex talked me out of going back to school that year, and so I put off going back to school for another year! Needless to say that one year became two, etc.! A year later, my ex also talked me into selling my stocks and going on a European vacation, first class! Which unfortunately I did!
So little by little the school was becoming an unattainable dream for me, since I was getting closer to my late 20s. I started thinking of buying a house and starting a family. I figured, maybe I could have kids first, then instead of having a part-time job, while staying at home to take care of our kids, I could go to school part time, and get a master's! That was when I started to talk to my ex about saving money, about buying a house, and about having kids. It was then that I learned my ex never ever wants to buy a house or have kids! Didn't he mention that to me? No, I guess he had forgotten those small details!
Maybe I was expecting too much from him, maybe not! But I truly expected him to change his mind, alter his original plans, at least about kids, and want a kid or two! I had alter my plans, so why not he do the same thing!
He was firm, he did not want to buy a house, he wanted to be a renter! Now I am talking about late 90s. At that point I had never heard of someone being a renter all his/her life! Lately, with economy in trouble, I have heard that small portion of young couples prefer to be a renter, and not put the burden of mortgage on themselves. But back then, buying a house was still very much an American dream!
But more importantly, he did not want to have kids, ever!
So yes, I too followed the path that this columnist suggested to his reader, and so many other readers conformed that it was the smart path to take! What has been bothering me all these years is that, I am divorced for almost 10 years, well 8 ½ to be accurate, so why hadn't I made my dream a reality?
My ex and I have not stayed in touch, but unfortunately we have mutual friends, and through the grapevine we hear what the other is up to. I know that he is, more or less, where he always wanted to be at 40! But I am nowhere close to where I wanted to be, at the age I am now, when I first graduated from college, and was planning my future. I lost my way right around the time I met my ex!
Reading about this letter to the columnist is not the only reason that once again dwelling on the past. Every time I hear someone I know, or I know of, is expecting a baby, I regret past decisions! In the past two weeks every time I looked at what is Trading Now on Yahoo, there has been another actor or actress announcing they are expecting! Here are the names expecting parents I remember reading: Natalie Portman, Owen Wilson, Victoria Beckham, Kavin James, Tia Mowry, Selma Blair, Jewel, Kate Hudson, Penelope Cruz, Alicia Silvestone, Rachel Zoe, Jennifer Connelly, Jane Krakowski, ...
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