Yet another eating plan!

I was at one my of best friend's today. Her sister-in-law was there too. I had seen her a few times before, but I didn't remember her being this skinny. She looked amazing. So I consulted my best friend, lol, and then asked her sister-in-law what type of eating plan she is following. She said that she has been eating more raw food, more veggies and fruits, and less meat and dairy. She gave me the name of couple of books to read. I am inspired!

Since the beginning of the year, I have tried to eat real food, tried to cook more, eat protein and veggies, and avoid processed food including meal replacement bars that was the staple of my diet last semester! However, I knew that I couldn't carry this plan into the semester and once I am back home. For one thing, in my tiny basement area, I don't have a stove to cook.

The extent of appliances in my "kitchen" down below is a large old microwave, a slow cooker, a coffee maker, and an old refrigerator.

My big old microwave was almost a year old when I moved into my house with its own new state-of-the-art, lol, build-in microwave in the newly remodeled state-of-the-art kitchen, lol, I miss my own kitchen. Anyhow, I stored my old microwave in the basement thinking I shall give it away to the first person who needs it. Well that turned out to be myself.  I figured at least I can warm up my food!

Similar with the old refrigerator which I got from my mom. My mom had this small old fridge that she kept in her garage, ready to give it away. When I decided to move into the basement area, I took it off her hand, lol. I don't think I would have bought a fridge if my mom hadn't give me this one. I couldn't afford a regular fridge, and I don't think I could have talked myself into buying one those small fridge kids get for their dorm rooms.

So trying to eat more raw veggies, with no cooking required, is becoming more and more appealing to me, once I get back home.

This week, I am planning to read the books my best friend's sister-in-law suggested, to get ready to adopt more raw eating way.

The Raw Food Detox Diet: The Five Step Plan for Vibrant Health and Maximum Weight Loss by Natalia Rose

Browse Inside this book Get this for your site

Skinny Bitch by Rory Freedman and Kim Barnouin (available at audible.com)

Happy reading/listening!

Comparison-Wish-Discovery-Conclusion-Advice-Prayer!

I attended a training class today and I can't help not comparing my experience in today's training class with my classes last term! Maybe it is an unfair comparison! Today's training was more casual if you will. Regular course classes, I suppose, are formal. No matter, I just wished my classmates from my department could be more like today's bunch, friendlier, approachable, inviting, helpful, kind and considerate!

I don't want to stereotype! Could students from different departments/majors behave this differently?

The students in today's training class were all CS majors, mostly graduate students, but I think one of them is a undergrad senior. Anyhow, there was such a comradely atmosphere in the training class today that I did not notice we were there for over seven hours! None of these people knew me, they knew each other though, but they considered me as one of them from the very beginning of the class, and I felt so good being part of their group!

Let me backup a bit.

I got an email from the cute guy earlier this week, telling me there is a training class for the program I am trying to learn. He stated that this training is probably going to be an all day event, and was asking if I wanted to attend?

Apparently there was a major release in November, of the software that I shall be using in one of my classes, in the coming semester. Since November the IT people have been evaluating the new version to decide if they want to install it on the campus computers. They decided that the version was stable enough to be rolled out, and so the two people who had been evaluating the program, were conducting an all day seminar/training for the people who are going to teach the training classes during the semester (the same classes the cute guy first suggested I take).

So of course I told the cute guy, if it is possible, I would very much like to attend the full day training class.

Apparently the people who conducted the training are friends/colleagues of the cute guy, and so they included me, even though I am not going to teach the short training classes, and even though I was not familiar with the program as much as others in the class were; others had used/taught the previous version of the program extensively.

Anyhow, I was very thankful that I was still allowed to attend this training.

The training was today. Of course I was not totally lost, but I was much slower than others. However, no one got annoyed, they all pitched in to answer my questions, or help me when I felt lost. The atmosphere was teamwork, collaboration, support, and I felt so comfortable. I learned a lot, and I feel I am an expert user now, lol.

So it was not me after all! lol. For a while I have been puzzled why I hadn't been able to connect with my classmates. I thought it was my age, being much older than most of other students, but then I wrote that off since I had always been able to befriended my colleagues, both older and younger than me. Age had never been an issue!

When I wasn't able to bond with my classmates or other graduate students in my department, by the middle of the semester, I blamed myself! I held myself responsible for isolating myself, reasoning that I had been antisocial, that I had been going to the library all day, that I had avoided social events, and basically I avoided them all.

When I first started school, I wasn't in a very comfortable place, mentally. I was very worried about being able to make it at school, after all these years being away. I wondered if I had the state of mind to study, to take exams and do well, and to write coherent papers! I wasn't sure if I had made the right decision putting myself in the situation that not only I could deplete all my savings, but also I could very easily lose my house as well.

By the middle of the semester, when I realized I was making it in my classes, and was actually doing OK, when I decided to rent my place, and move into my basement, when by chance I came across a web page with my info, in the school directory page, and realized there is a graduate student lounge, and when I went to check out the graduate student lounge, one of the only two graduate students from my department who actually tried to have a conversation with me (excluding my classmate of course, who pretended to want to be my homework partner, but turned she just wanted to copy her homework from mine!), told me that most of the first year graduate students hang out there, and that there is a Friday lunch social that I should attend, I decided to change my antisocial ways.

I frequented more in the department, studied in the graduate student lounge instead of the library, and attended the social Friday lunch pizzas. Tried to be accessible and approached other graduate students, to start a conversation, which truly wasn't that easy for me!

Little by little I realized maybe it hasn't been entirely my fault! Maybe I am not the only antisocial one! For example, I would start a conversation, telling the other student about my background, my concerns, and my goals. Of course they would listen, but as soon as I stop talking, it was silence! They neither showed interest in what I was saying to ask questions, basically guiding the conversation in the direction of their interest, nor did they say what their goals were, or what their background was.

As part of trying to be friendlier, I also made sure I looked at the faces, when passing other students in the hallway, so that if I saw a familiar face I could say hi. But then I noticed that my classmates that I had said hi to multiple times, when they see me and I am not the one who says hi first, they completely ignore me, as if they don't know who I am!

Thus feeling insecure and basically having a chip on my shoulder, lol, I concluded, with hesitation of course, that I am probably too old and too fat for them to befriend! Therefore toward the end of last semester, I decided to accept my department-mates' unfriendly ways, and tried not be bothered by them ignoring me. I opted to go back to my old ways, frequented the library again, avoided the department graduate lounge, went to my classes, and concentrated on my studies, reasoning that I was there to learn and not to socialize. It worked. I studied hard, and I was rewarded with learning a lot, and getting reasonable grades.

But now that I think about it more, I don't think I am the issue here! I think most of the graduate students in my department are the distant ones and the unapproachable ones. And being unfriendly is not just toward me. I had seen very few students talking to each other! The most conversation I had seen, maybe just before class started for example, was that if one had missed a class, he/she was asking others for notes or information about the missed class; that has been the extent of their interaction as I can remember now.

Now comparing my experiences with graduate students from my department with the students from the CS department, no matter how unfair the circumstances, I have come to conclusion that it is the atmosphere in my department that has made the students acts the way they do, I think. I don't think or want to believe that the students from my department are unfriendly, or antisocial, in general. I think maybe someone, or group of someone, at some point, have set the precedence in my current department, with this coldness and the distantness toward each other, and the new graduate students once accepted to the program, they too have adopted this unfriendliness behavior. How unfortunate for all of us!

You know I was thinking to myself, I am glad that I lost my wallet for a few hours last week, lol, since I have met these wonderful people, and I learned so much from them.

Anyhow, after the training I went to the cute guy's office to thank him once more. He asked if I wanted to go grab something to eat. I said yes, and told him it shall be my treat. I told him how grateful I was that he arranged for me to take today's class. At first he teased me about what I had said before, that I was a graduate student and I had no money, but he did not embarrass me when I took out my card to pay.  We had dinner and great conversation. He is such an enjoyable person to hang out with.

He told me he completed his PhD last year. I knew that, lol. After I met him that first day, and then learned his full name when I saw his email from earlier that morning notifying me that he had found my wallet, I googled him, lol. He told me about his projects and his thesis. But I knew about those too, lol.

I asked him how he picked his thesis' topic, and how he decided which professor he wanted to work with. He told me all about his experiences at the graduate school, while working fulltime for the IT/CS department, and gave me lots of good advice.

I told him about the professor I had approached to hopefully work with, and told him that the professor keeps emailing me that he is going to arrange a meeting, but he hasn't done so yet, after four months! He told me to write that professor off. He told me to have a one strike rule when it comes to selecting my thesis advisor, lol, if once the professor didn't do what he said he would, I should consider him out! lol. He is tough!

I also told him about the professor I am going to have an independent study with. I told him how this professor has mentioned several times that the area of my interest to study is not his background. The cute guy told me that doesn't mean anything! He said as long as the professor shows interest and wiliness to supervise me, that is the indication that he too is interested in that area. He said even if the professor is not familiar with the subject area, he is going to familiarize himself with the topic and quickly. The cute guy believes that the professor is more resourceful than I, lol. He said the professor knows who in the department could guide us when he and I need guidance, and it is a lot easier for him to approach his colleagues for advice! The cute guy said plus my professor might introduce me to the expert professor, put a good word for me, and maybe I could even get absorb into the project of my interest a lot easier than if I had approached the expert professors myself.

Did I mention that the cute guy gave me lots of good advice, lol.

If you haven't guessed it yet, yes, I have developed a bit of crush on the cute guy. He is much younger than me though! I know that he graduated from college five years after I, so he is about that much younger, I suppose. He looks even younger. If someone had asked me to guess his age, I would have said he is about a decade younger than me! But that would have been my guess before we had a conversation; once I heard him talk, with such an intelligent and kind of authority, lol, then I would have added that I think he is very mature for the age I am guessing.

Coming home tonight to the empty house of my parents, I had a bit of conversation with the Lord! I am not a religious person, but I do pray, as much as the next person, and I am thankful for everything the Lord has blessed me with. I asked him to please let me meet a guy that wants me, wants to marry me, that I want him, and want to marry him. I asked the Lord to let me have a family of my own! So that I could stop feeling the loneliness that I always feel, even if I am around 20+ people. I so want to hold my baby in my arms, and know that he/she belongs to me, to us, and we to him/her. Could I have that please Lord, before it is too late for me, and I am too old to have a baby!

Smart Student Consumer, lol!

Last week I checked the bookstore's textbook page to see how much I have to spend on my books this semester.

I am taking three classes. One is an independent study, which doesn't have a textbook. Of the other two classes, only one Prof. has placed an order for the book, thankfully, we have only one text for that class. I checked the price: a new book is $191.65, and a used book is $143.75.

I then went to Amazon, hoping that Amazon has some discount on this book. I was happy to see that the new book at Amazon is $128.32. Still I decided to check the used book options to see if I could save a bit more.

While checking other stores listing at Amazon.com I saw that one store is offering the book, new, for $53.41 plus $3.99 shipping for a total of $57.40. Another store offering it for $60.41, shipping included (basically fulfilling Amazon's offer that over $25 order is shipped free). I read the reviews of the store and got comfortable when all were good, and the satisfaction was 98% both long term and for the past year.

As I went to place the order, suddenly my eyes went to the top of the page and saw an offer for students. Current students get one year membership to two-day-free-shipping. I had this membership when Amazon first offered it. I got a one year trial for free, and then renewed it couple of years afterword. When I started listening to audiobooks and ordered books less and less I did not renew my membership the following year. But now, it is free for students, and since I am ordering textbooks, I thought why not.

I followed their step and registered for the free membership, and then placed my order.

I placed the order Tuesday night, the 11th, and it estimated that I shall receive my order on the 14th. When I checked the status of my order the next day, it said it was shipped, and I should expect delivery on the 13th. When we got home Thursday afternoon, it had arrived. Happily I checked my book, concerned about "if the deal is too good to be true, it probably is!"

My book is new and in great condition. I checked all the pages, lol, all good. It comes with a CD. I have checked the CD, all good. So basically I got a $191.65 textbook at our bookstore for $60.41. I am a happy consumer.

This is the book for the same class I was trying to learn the software for it. I have been reading the first couple of chapters. For a technical book at the graduate level, it is actually readable, lol. I have been able to follow and understand the concepts on the first try. I am a happy student right now, lol.

I am learning the materials and a lot about that software program I used last Tuesday makes sense now. There are examples for the software on the CD, referring to the problem I have read in the chapter. So now I understand the problem, I can follow the solution, and when I look at the routine to be run inside that computer program, everything makes sense. Hopefully I can go back to school tomorrow and give the program another go, and this time be successful!

I want ...

both her body and her dress, lol.

 

Getting ready for the new semester.

I have decided, and have also registered, for the three classes I like to take in the coming semester. Now I have to wait til the classes start to go talk to my academic advisor, and make sure that he is OK with my schedule. Even if he is not, I am prepared to convince him, and at the end if he told me again that it was my decision, I am ready to accept the responsibility, lol, have him sign my form, and be done with it.

One of the classes I am taking is an independent study, sort of the continuation of the course I took last term that I wrote two papers for it. I asked the Prof I had for that class, and he has agreed, to supervise me, but he did warn me that this topic is not his background. Let's see, how can I put it; his background is more theoretical if you will, and the course he taught last semester was more applied. I am hoping that my independent study would be the combination of two.

I suppose I might have been able to locate another professor that his/her research interest/background might have been more in line with my independent study, but I really liked my Prof.

He is very accessible. I have always heard back from him within 24 hours, when I emailed him last semester, while my other two professors often did not reply, and even when they did, they were not clear, and thus a few emails back and forth, in the span of few days, for me to finally get my answer! Such a waste of time!

This professor never got annoyed if students ask a maybe stupid question! He really went out of his way to answer and clearly explain what he meant. And if he didn't want to waste the class time, he would very kindly ask the student to stay after the class if he/she wanted to get more in depth explanation of the material, basically implying that the student wanted to dig dipper into the subject, and not that this student had not understood.

I have seen how the other professors get annoyed at baseless questions! They try very hard not to show their annoyance, and I am so glad, well maybe more hopeful, that most of the 20-something students in class, might miss the annoyance, but the 30-something in me, well a closer to 40s, can read them loud and clear that they are annoyed! Good thing, since as we age and can read people a lot more clear, we develop this thick skin, and become more comfortable in our skin; we don't get intimated much by others reaction. I truly hope that the 20-something students either don't get intimated when professors act that way, or miss the whole thing all together!

Anyhow, what was I saying, the independent study, I am really hoping to get a lot out of it. And since the professor mentioned that this is not his background and he has never supervised such an independent study, I decided to come up with a syllabus of my own.

I have defined the three major areas I like to cover. I have listed the theoretical material I like to study and investigate, and then the case studies that I like to tackle.

In the past two weeks I made it to the library a few hours a day, to find good references, came home and proceeded to read them. The texts that seemed useful I am keeping to study further, the ones that I did not get much out of, I have returned to the library the next day. Right now I am up to 11 texts. Happy studying, lol.

I am very glad and feel real good that I spend part of my break preparing this syllabus. I did not want to waste time trying to figure out what I want to study during the semester. Now I am prepared!

I guess I would have much rather I had a part-time/temporary employment during the break, to make some needed money, but at least I am not wasting my time, but using it the best possible way I can.

Baseless Fright!

Last semester when I went to talk to one of my professors regarding a course he is teaching this semester,  after he explained what the course was all about, and I showed interested in wanting to take it, he asked me if I had any experience with the software package we are going to be using extensively in that class. When I said no, he said, it might be beneficial for me to familiarize myself with that program during the break.

Last Monday afternoon, after I made dinner, while I was waiting for my mom to finish her walk, I decided to see how I could access this program remotely. I checked the school's IT site, searching for any info about this program, to no avail. I called them, and I was told, no sorry, this particular software can't be accessed remotely because of a licensing issue. The guy on the phone was very helpful, he told me where I could go, during the break that most labs are closed at school, to be able to access a computer with this program on it.

As the IT person was giving me the information about the whereabouts of the lab I realized something! I have been going to school for one whole semester now, and I have only been to my department's building and libraries. Well, OK, one time I was in the Registrar's office, the first day, to have my picture taken for my ID. OK one more, I also have been to student center, where the cafeteria and the bookstore are located. But that is it. That is how familiar I am with my graduate school.

All my three classes have been in my department's building. My three professors, my academic advisor, the graduate director I interviewed with, and the professor I went to talk to about a possible research interest who has appointments from two departments, all have offices in my department's building.

Now I was comparing my first semester as a graduate student to my first semester as an undergrad. I had taken five classes, from five different departments, located in four buildings, in my first semester of undergrad. So that is four building I was familiar with completely by the end of the semester. I lived in a dorm, thus another building I was familiar with. My friends, who also lived in the same floor with me, majored in various subjects. We often talked about our classes, so I knew more or less where their departments were, in which building, and where it was located on campus. I probably even knew if the building was old or new, if the windows open or not, lol, if the classrooms where cold or stuffy, lol. Yes, as an undergrad, my friends and I talked about these important facts, lol. What I am saying is that after the first semester, I truly knew my school, we sort of owned it. But as a graduate student, after one semester, I am still a foreigner to the campus.

Anyhow, what was I saying, right, just before 8 am on Tuesday, my mom dropped me off in front of the Information Technology/Computer Science building, where I was told I could get an access to computers that had the program I wanted to familiarize myself with. As I went to enter the building, I realized that the door was locked. I was trying to decide if I was at the wrong entrance or was it too early, that a security guard exited the building. I asked to be let in. He asked for my ID. When I handed it to him, he checked it, and told me that I had permission to enter my department's building off hours. That was news to me, lol, I had no idea that this kind of information was encoded into my ID. He continued that if I wanted, I could ask my department to notify the IT people, and they would be able to code my ID so I could enter this building off hours as well. I thanked him, took my ID, put it back in my wallet, and entered the building.

I walked in, oriented myself, and started walking toward the room number I was giving. I got there, and sit at the first computer. Suddenly I felt a drift, looked up, and saw that someone had left a window open. Of course I couldn't reach the window to close it, so I got up and moved to another station, far away from the open window. Sit down, logged in, loaded the program I needed, and started exploring.

You know, when you really are not familiar with a topic, basically you don't know what kind of problems this topic addresses, and how it proceeds to solve them, how do you expect to learn a software program that addresses those problems and tries to solve those problems!

To me it was as if someone had given me a flashlight and told me to walk through a dark building. So yes, with the flashlight I could see where I was going. But if I didn't know where my destination was, what floor, and what room number, I am basically lost! That is exactly how I felt trying to navigate that software. I found some examples on the web, tried them, they worked, but I was still lost!

Frustrated, I realized that it was after 1:30. I got up to go to the library to checkout couple of books I wanted and to return a few I had read already. I knew their call numbers, so I proceeded to the right floor, found the books I wanted, and came down to check them out. I needed my ID, which was in my wallet, which was supposedly in my bag. But no, the wallet was nowhere to be found in my bag!

Scared that I had lost my wallet I run back to the IT/CS building, hoping that I had left my wallet there.

No one was sitting at the station that I was at all morning. I looked around, nothing. I thought maybe when I moved first thing in the morning, from where it was too cold to a warmer side, I left my wallet there. It made sense! I remembered that I never put my wallet back into my bag, for some dumb reason! I walked toward that station. A student was sitting there. I asked him if he had seen a wallet and he said no, he continued that he just got there. He probably felt sorry for me, lol, told me to check with the helpdesk, and pointed me toward the helpdesk.

I walked toward the helpdesk and asked the person behind the desk if she knows whether a wallet has been found. She told me to wait, and called someone on the phone! After a few yes and no, she hung up, dialed another number, and started asking if a wallet has been found. She then asked me to describe my wallet, which I did, and she repeated my description to the person on the phone. Suddenly I saw a smile on her face, and she told me that yes my wallet was found this morning by one of the programmers. She told me to wait there and he was going to bring it by.

Finally calmed, a minute later, a cute guy, lol, with wide smile entered the area, and hand me my wallet. I was so happy, and started to thank him profusely.

I was about to put my wallet in my bag, what I should have done in the morning, when the cute guy asked me, wasn't I going to check my wallet, making sure all my money was still in there. I jokingly told him, what money, I am a graduate student, I have no money! He laughed and said, I thought I knew all the PhD students in the department. I corrected him that I was neither a PhD student nor a IT/CS major. He then asked me if I wasn't a PhD student what I was doing there that early in the morning! I explained that I was trying to familiarize myself with a computer program, and continued to explain that I didn't make much progress. He told me that I should check the training schedule. He said that the IT department offers training classes, during the semester, for every program installed on these computers. Another thing I learned, lol. I thanked him again and said that for sure I shall take advantage of training classes.

I then walked back to the library, where I had left the books I wanted to checkout, without any explanation, and was hoping that they were still there! I got there, the books were still there, I checked them out, came out of the library right at the moment my mom got there!

It was then that I realized all that worry and getting scared and anxious that I had lost my wallet was for nothing. I have no idea why I reacted the way I did! I had anticipated losing my wallet early last semester, and I had trimmed down my wallet substantially!

At the beginning of the last semester, one early evening, when I was still at the library, I got a call from my dad. I had talked to my mom a bit earlier, and I had told them that I was going to stay with them that night. Everything was all set, and I knew my dad was home. So when my phone ring and I saw my dad's cell number, I basically panicked. Suddenly all the frightening thoughts that could come to my mind came. In that split second that I saw the number and I hit the talk button, I imagined that something bad must have happened to either my mom, or my dad, and now someone was calling me with my dad's cell phone to let me know.

I answered the phone while walking toward the stairs, where I thought I might not bother anyone while speaking. How grateful I was that when I answered the phone, right away my dad asked, if I had a few minutes so that he could ask a quick computer questions. He told me that mom was on the landline and was talking to her friend, so he had called me on his cell. I knew that when my mom and her friend talk, they talk for good couple of hours, lol.

Anyhow, I walked out of the library, while explaining to my dad what he should do. Our conversation lasted about half an hour, and when I got back to the library where I had left my stuff, I realized that my bag was completely open and my wallet complete exposed. Yes, someone could have walked away with my wallet, but thankfully, that was the main library where IDs are checked, and only people associated with the university are allowed in. I knew no one associated with the university would walk away with my wallet. But other libraries I frequented, there was no ID checking, anyone could walk in, and so that night I decided to clean my wallet.

The first thing that came out of my thick wallet was my checkbook. I can't believe that I was still caring my checkbook! I think I had not written a check maybe for over a year and I was still caring it. You know, I think one of the things going away for good this decade is checks, lol.

Next was my driver's license. I figured I don't have a car, I don't drive anyone else's car, so why carry my driver's license. I needed a picture ID, and I had my school ID.

Next was my bank debt card. That was what I always used, but since starting school, I had decided to charge everything to my credit card, including groceries, so I have control over my spending.

Next were all my other credit cards, except the one I was going to use.

So I was left with my student ID card, my health insurance card, and my one credit card that I had since I was a sophomore in college.

Right then I decided to reduce my credit on that card to $500. I had a budget of $250 per month, and so $500 credit line was good enough. Just to be on the safe side, after I called to reduce my credit line, I saved the customer service number into my phonebook, so that if by a slim chance I lost my wallet, I would be able to notify them right away.

So I had three easily replaceable/damage proof cards in my wallet. My student ID could have been replaced in a few minutes, with a better picture one could hope for, for a fee of course. I had a spare health insurance card at home, and my credit card with very limited credit could have been cancelled with one phone call, and replacement sent right away! Truly there was no money in my wallet, now why did I get that anxious, and acted that way, for losing my wallet is beyond me.

No, the wallet itself is not that special either. So basically I have no excuse!   

Actually after I checked my wallet, I realized that I have five cards in there now, lol.

The fourth one was a copier machine card. Last semester I needed to copy an old article that was not available online, and of course the copy machines do not accept coins anymore! So I bought a copier card worth $10, used maybe $2 and there was still about $8 on the card.

The fifth card was from my favorite coffee shop. Early last semester, one Sunday morning I decided to treat myself to my favorite coffee. I got their gift card, charged $20 to my credit card, and used the gift card to get my coffee that day and a few subsequent visit. I thought I probably have less than $10 on that card now.

Thus losing my wallet, at most, I would have lost $20. But I think the way I acted; well it was very inappropriate for an adult person, possibly losing $20! I am very embarrassed!

I even got more pissed off when later that night I checked my school email and saw that I had an email from the cute guy at 8:30 in the morning, telling me that he has found my wallet!

I usually check my school email first thing in the morning, and then a few times during the day. Since I was running late, needed to go to the library before my mom picked me up, not to mention frustrated that I had not gotten anywhere with that program, I forgot to check my email as I was leaving. I forward my personal emails to my phone; I so should forward my school email to my personal email, so that would be accessible from my phone. But I thought at least now I know the name of the cute guy! lol. Yes, I did Google him, lol, and found a bit about him, lol.

Wednesday was snowing here all day. My mom didn't go to work, and neither did I go to school. In mid morning, being in a house with an oven, lol, and nowhere to go, I decided to bake, lol. I made three batches of cupcakes and took most of it to the IT/CS department people on Thursday. Yes, that included a visit to the cute guy's office, lol.

A good week!

I have been staying at my parents this past week, keeping my mom company while my dad is on business trip.

Last Sunday my mom looked tired and run down. I suppose because of all the running around helping and organizing everything holiday related. I thought she not only deserves a vacation, she needed one. She is going to join my dad down south in a week. I asked her to let me be in charge of cooking and cleaning, and asked her to pretend she has started her vacation already! She agreed but asked me to think healthy eating. She said she wants to lose a few pounds before her real vacation, lol. I agreed and come up with an eating plan!

I suggested we have two meals a day, breakfast of course, and early dinner. My mom works part time 8-2, and since I am still technically on vacation, I figured I could be home early to eat. This way I thought, by the time we go to bed, we have digested our food, and hopefully there would be some weight loss and soon.

I also suggested an egg based breakfast. Whenever I have omelet for breakfast for example, I am completely full and satisfied until mid afternoon, anything else and I am hungry by 11 am. For early dinner, I suggested chicken, beef, or a fish dish with side of veggies. My mom liked my suggestions. I checked her fridge, and came up with our menu. I don't know what it is about my mom's kitchen/fridge, it is magic, lol, everything you want/need is in there, lol.

I have been making Frittata for breakfast every day, different recipes. Unfortunately, the habit of waking up at 5 am that kinda, sorta, was forced on me to acquire, a week that I stayed at my place, has stick, lol, and I have been wide awake by 5:30. I have tried to fall back to sleep, but no luck! That has been a good thing, maybe, since by the time my mom has been ready for breakfast, the Frittata has been cooked and ready to be eaten, lol.

In the early afternoons, once home, I have been going to the kitchen to prepare dinner, and my mom has taken that time to walk on her treadmill while watching TV. By the time she is done, the dinner has been ready usually.

I have also been taking advantage of having treadmill at home; every night between 7 and 9 pm has been my turn to use it, in excess of hour and half, while listening to my audio books. I have been logging my progress on the dailymile site which I am able to display as a gadget on the right sidebar for motivation. My goal is to walk at least 20 miles a week, about 3 miles a day, very doable I think, even with school.

So my mom looks healthier and more relaxed this morning. I told her I have been good for her this past week, lol. She said you girls have been good for me all your lives, lol.

This afternoon we are going to my oldest sister to hangout with them and my other older sister, watching some football, and having dinner later. I am hoping to go for my walk in an hour or so. Even though it is very cold outside, I might venture out.

Have a great Sunday.

Regretting past decisions! I know I should move on!

A friend of mine on facebook posted a link to a letter which was send to a columnist asking for help! The guy who wrote the letter stated that he is in love with his girlfriend, and she with him. They both think they have found the one in each other, and so they have been daydreaming about their future! In one of their hypothetical future discussions the guy brought up having kids. His girlfriend firmly responded that she doesn't want any, ever! He wrote that the issue has been brought up a few more times by him, and his girlfriend has gotten more annoyed every time. The last time that he brought up the kid issue, apparently she got very defensive and distant. So the guy was asking the columnist what he should do.

The columnist responded that if the girlfriend says she doesn't want any kids, she doesn't want any kids! She told the letter writer that if he wants kids, then if he stays, that means that he has to give up on his dream of wanting kids, since there is no way he can expect/anticipate his girlfriend would change her mind. Thus if he is willing to give up on having kids then by all means he should stay, otherwise he should move on to find a woman who shares more of his dreams for their future. Many readers had responded to this story, I think more than 1000 comments were posted! I read a few of the entries and all had said what the columnist posted.

A friend of my friend responded on her facebook that this guy is mistaken, neither him nor his girlfriend have found the one in each other! If they did they would have made compromises! I am very annoyed by this comment! How can you make compromise if someone wants something and the other doesn't? There is no half way. As the columnist and all her readers commented, either someone in the relationship has to completely give up on what he/she wants, or they have to move on and find someone who share their dreams, there is no middle ground!

A second person responded on a facebook that he never thought having kids was in his future, but when he met his wife, there was never a question, he knew he wanted to marry her and start a family!

I decided to stay out of that discussion. I closed my browser, and I am waiting for the discussion to go away, since this issue hits too close to home for me. But I figured it is safe to unload here, lol.

First of all I praise this letter writer for discussing his plans for the future, as he sees it, with his girlfriend, now that he feels they are getting serious. My ex husband and I never did that! It could be that we were both very young, and were working too hard at the time we got married, that we hadn't had time to consider a discussion about our future! So yes the question is why we got married when we did!

In my situation the roles are actually reversed. I wanted kids, and my ex didn't! I realized this fact couple of years into our marriage! Basically we had read each other wrong!

In one of our screaming matches he told me that he thought I was a career oriented, hardworking, ambitious women, and that my career always came first and by far. Well, that was me all right immediately after I graduated from college, sort of, kinda of! But I anticipated that phase of my life would be short.

On the other hand, I too had read my ex wrong! I thought being workaholic, working seven days of week, over 70 hours of week, was a temporary phase for us. That once we established ourselves and advanced in our careers rapidly, we would slow down, and think about starting a family! Not the case for him! He wanted to proceed that way for the next 20 years!

Let me backup a bit!

We met when we started our first jobs on the same day.  I was 21 and he was 24. About 8 months later we started dating. A year and half into our relationship we moved in together, mostly because we were either at my place or at his, and we felt it was very inconvenient! So when he suggested we move in together, I accepted! Even then I did not think about marriage!

Both my older sisters warned me that I was moving too fast! Sister #1 married right after college, sister #2 married a month before her 29th birthday, and both advised me to marry in my late 20s, and only after a long courtship, when we had figured each other out, more or less. Sister #1 told me that during the first few years of her marriage, there were many occasions when she was ready to take her daughter and walk out of her marriage.

I agreed with them wholeheartedly and accepted their advice. I wanted to take the path they were advising me to take. But then when on our vacation, celebrating our two year anniversary, my ex purposed, I accepted, and we eloped! That was so unlike me! I am a planner! And he was too, to some extent; that is why I don't know why we made the biggest decision of our lives in a whim!

Yes, we both had planned our future and clearly knew what we wanted! I knew what I wanted in my life, and he in his. But we just forgot to mention our plans prior to getting married to each other, to make sure that our plans match to some extend!

Have you seen the movie "He's Just Not That Into You"? Or maybe I should ask, have you read the book "He's Just Not That Into You"? I haven't read the book yet, but have seen the movie! Anyhow, the Ginnifer Goodwin's character Gigi, wanted/hoped to be the exception, and to get the guy. I on the other hand, always wanted to be the norm! I wanted to take the path that most people my age take/took, the path that most my friends had planned to take, the path that my two older sisters had taken, at different times, but the outcomes were the same.

I wanted to complete my education, and that meant at least a master's degree. But since most my classmates decided to work after college, I decided to work for a while too! My plan was to work for at most three years, go to graduate school, finish my education, however far I wanted to take it, by my late 20s. Be married by early 30s! Move up the corporate ladder until I am 35. Then start a family and work only part time. Have 3-4 kids! Go back to work fulltime once our kids were all in school, and then enjoy watching them grow up and help them build their future, just like my parents had done for us, just like my sisters were/are doing, just like my best friends are doing, just like my younger sister is probably going to do!

On the other hand, my ex's plan was to move up the corporate ladder, fast. When we met he had just gotten his MBA, and he was done with his education.

In one of our discussions/arguments when we were married, he admitted that he wanted to be a CFO of a successful, multi-million dollar company, with 250+ employees, by the time he was 40. Retire temporary for a decade when he was in his early 50s, to go golfing, sailing, racing, travelling, basically enjoying life while he is still young. By the time he is in his 60s, he was willing to go back to work, in an advising capacity, be on a board of few companies, approve decisions, and being paid big bucks for it, without too much stress or responsibility!

What I didn't, and still don't, understand was, why did we have that discussion in the middle of one of our fights after being married for a few years? Why didn't he tell me this on one of our dates? That is something you share with your girlfriend of more than a year, right? That is something you share with your live-in girlfriend, right?

Anyhow, when we said "I do", we had not talked about our life plans to each other! We had no idea, how different, well exactly opposite, we want our future to progress.

At that point we had been living together for six months, during which we had been working long hours. Finally our hard work was coming into fruition at the small startup company, they were going public, there was promise of stock options, and we couldn't be happier. I felt that I could easily go to school, hopefully have a school stipend, and supply my living expenses with selling some of the stock options. I was even in contact with my academic advisor and was trying to apply to the program that fall; now I shared that with my ex, wanting to go back to school, and that I was planning for it!

We were given generous rewards, in form of stock options, for our hard work, working seven days a week, for three years. My ex sold his shares right away and used it as a down payment for a very expensive car. I bought my shares for keep and planned to sell them, as needed, while at school.

A few months into our marriage, the summer before I wanted to start school, my ex talked me out of going back to school that year, and so I put off going back to school for another year! Needless to say that one year became two, etc.! A year later, my ex also talked me into selling my stocks and going on a European vacation, first class! Which unfortunately I did!

So little by little the school was becoming an unattainable dream for me, since I was getting closer to my late 20s. I started thinking of buying a house and starting a family. I figured, maybe I could have kids first, then instead of having a part-time job, while staying at home to take care of our kids, I could go to school part time, and get a master's! That was when I started to talk to my ex about saving money, about buying a house, and about having kids. It was then that I learned my ex never ever wants to buy a house or have kids! Didn't he mention that to me? No, I guess he had forgotten those small details!

Maybe I was expecting too much from him, maybe not! But I truly expected him to change his mind, alter his original plans, at least about kids, and want a kid or two! I had alter my plans, so why not he do the same thing!

He was firm, he did not want to buy a house, he wanted to be a renter! Now I am talking about late 90s. At that point I had never heard of someone being a renter all his/her life! Lately, with economy in trouble, I have heard that small portion of young couples prefer to be a renter, and not put the burden of mortgage on themselves. But back then, buying a house was still very much an American dream!

But more importantly, he did not want to have kids, ever!

So yes, I too followed the path that this columnist suggested to his reader, and so many other readers conformed that it was the smart path to take! What has been bothering me all these years is that, I am divorced for almost 10 years, well 8 ½ to be accurate, so why hadn't I made my dream a reality?

My ex and I have not stayed in touch, but unfortunately we have mutual friends, and through the grapevine we hear what the other is up to. I know that he is, more or less, where he always wanted to be at 40! But I am nowhere close to where I wanted to be, at the age I am now, when I first graduated from college, and was planning my future. I lost my way right around the time I met my ex!

Reading about this letter to the columnist is not the only reason that once again dwelling on the past. Every time I hear someone I know, or I know of, is expecting a baby, I regret past decisions! In the past two weeks every time I looked at what is Trading Now on Yahoo, there has been another actor or actress announcing they are expecting! Here are the names expecting parents I remember reading: Natalie Portman, Owen Wilson, Victoria Beckham, Kavin James, Tia Mowry, Selma Blair, Jewel, Kate Hudson, Penelope Cruz, Alicia Silvestone, Rachel Zoe, Jennifer Connelly, Jane Krakowski, ...

My first date of the year!

Well even before the date I knew that it was not going to work out but now I am sure my date still wants his ex back.

They called it quits just before Thanksgiving and he moved into an apartment after Christmas. He told me that he and his wife (yes, he still referred to her as his wife) grow apart a few years ago. He has no idea why! He said he was OK with being more like a roommate than partners! He said he wanted them to stay together for the sake of the kids.

I am thinking he probably was hoping that whatever was bothering his ex would pass and they would get back to what they had before. I am thinking he still wants her very much, and wants to be married to her.

Anyhow, he told me that his wife used to be so concern about her appearance, that if she found a gray hair, she would promptly cut it out, that she would wear moisturizer and sunblock religiously, that she was scared of lines and age spots. He said everyone thinks his wife did not lose the baby fat after two pregnancies, but first of all she did not gain any extra weight during either pregnancies and within three months she was back to her per-pregnancy figure. He said when they first met, he was the overweight one, and since she had studied nutrition at school, she helped him lose weight. So yes, I think he still adores her, wants her back, and wants to help her! A good portion of the time on the date he was talking about her. I suppose she is lucky.

But you know, I have met his ex a few times, couple of times at my sister's parties, and couple of times when visiting my sister, she came over to pick up her son. My nephew and her son are good friends. Anyhow, the woman that I met has long thick curly hair, with lots of grays. It is obvious that she does not dry her hair because it always looks frizzed. Even at the parties she had not styled her hair; she had it in a ponytail. The woman that I met does not wax her eyebrows, and wears very little makeup! The woman that I met is overweight and wears cloths that are at least 2 sizes too small!

I suppose this guy was talking about someone else right, lol!

Anyhow, we both decided that we should stay just good friends! I am glad.

Big adjustment required!

I lived in my basement area with a husband and wife tent upstairs, for almost three weeks, before the holidays, and I don't remember having any issues!

Well my only issue was that I have included washer and dryer part of the rent area, and so I have to take my laundry out. The last time I did that was the year after college. Since then I have been living in apartments/my house where I either had washer and dryer of my own, or it was shared between a few of us on the floor. A Laundromat is about half an hour walk away from me, so right now, without a car, it is an issue! Hopefully soon, I shall either get a car, or the good whether comes around fast enabling me to easily walk there. But for now I have done my laundry at my parents, and both times my dad kindly gave me a ride.

Anyhow, I went back home last Sunday afternoon, and was ready to sleep late the next day. I am an unemployed student and still on break, lol. I stayed up reading and I think I fell asleep around 2 am. I woke up at 5 am from the pounding noise from upstairs! At first I thought maybe something was wrong. It felt as if they were running, maybe to get away or to get help! I waited to see if they call for me. They knew I was back home. But the commotion continued! I realized that nothing was wrong, and that seems to be the norm; they were just getting ready to go to work!

I am speculating that they were exercising when I woke up, but not with the machine, because it was not constant, maybe exercising with a videos. Anyhow, silence came back around 6:30. I tried to fall back to sleep, but no luck. The funny thing is that I never knew that the layer between the basement and upstairs was this thin! Seriously, I could hear all their movements. And they need an hour and half to get ready for work. It only takes me half an hour! lol.

Anyhow, the same thing happened Tuesday morning. I tried not to wake up completely, lol, so I could fall sleep again after 6:30, but by 6 o'clock, I was wide awake. Needless to say I was very annoyed! I consider myself a morning person, but I think I am a reasonable time morning person, lol, not before dawn morning person, lol.

Wednesday morning, again the same thing, so I decided to go with the flow, and when I woke up at 5 am, from the pounding noises from upstairs, I got up. I made myself coffee, and then decided to go for a walk!

I was not very comfortable to go out at 5:30, but decided to be brave lol. First I was concerned about black ice. I thought what if I fall down and hit my head, no one is going to find me on time, and I either bleed to death, or freeze!

There was a story in the news that just after the New Year, a man was found on a staircase, everyone tough he was drunk and was sleeping it off! But when he did not move for a day, police was called and they discovered that he was injured. They are speculating that the steps were slippery, he probably slipped, fell down, and hit his head! Anyhow I thought I might have the same fate!

And secondly even though I think my neighborhood is safe, one never knows how safe the neighborhood is when not many people are out and around.

But I ventured out, and to my surprise, I saw many runners, in 2s or 3s or just by themselves running. I think I saw someone every few minutes. I am very happy to be  living in the neighborhood with so many health conscious people, however I am disappointed that I am not one of them, lol, well not yet, but I think there is still hope for me, lol.

I took my familiar route to the bus stop and once I got to the main street, walked until I had walked for about half an hour, and then returned. On the way back I saw more people walking their dogs. Got home little after 6:30, took a shower, went back to bed, and to my surprise I fell asleep right away.

I followed the same routine both Thursday and Friday, and was happy when the weekend came around. But apparently the tents work on Saturday as well, so I had to get up, and go for my morning walk. We had about an inch of snow on the ground. I picked another route, took a more leveled street, and walked more careful. This morning I was able to sleep! Thankfully, the upstairs people do not go to work on Sundays.

I have decided that I am not going to join a gym. The first thing I have to spend money on is getting a car. That is more important at this point. Going on these walks, I realized that I enjoy the fresh morning air a lot. Even though it has been very cold, but it has not been uncomfortable. The cold makes me walk faster, which is a good thing, and once back home, I have enjoyed the warmth even more.

I am back at my parents now. My dad left for a two week business trip. He is teaching a training course for two weeks down south. My mom asked me to come and stay with her. So I shall be here for the next three weeks, the last week I shall be by myself, when my mom joins my dad for a week vacation.

Hopefully when I return home in three weeks, no adjustment would be required, other than the two I have already made, lol, taking my laundry out, and waking up at 5 am!

New Year's Resolution!

I don't remember exactly when I started making resolution, but it was a long long time ago, lol. I like to have a goal and work toward it all year, and by the end of the year, be proud of my accomplishments.

Couple of years after my divorce I made a resolution to start a family, never happened! I made the same resolution again the following year, and again for the third year! Needless to say it never happened! When by the end of the third year I failed once again, I quit making resolutions all together.

I went a few years without resolution, but I missed it, I missed having a goal and working toward it, so I returned.

I returned to making New Year's Resolution and included a plan B, lol. I decided to have one major resolution as before, and then have two minor resolutions. I figured I could call it a success year if I was able to either reach my major goal or my two minor goals. And since then I have been following this plan. There has been some years that I managed to accomplish all three resolutions, including 2010.

My major resolution for 2010 was to put my career back on track. I wanted to either find a job that would be challenging, that would be at my level, not a few levels down, and that I would be able to learn and grow as I go, or go back to school, advance my education, and then hopefully be able to find a challenging job. So the first few months of last year I worked on finding another job, and when that did not pan out, I worked on getting into a good program, which I did, and that is why I am here, lol.

My two minor resolutions last year were, one to make it to gym at least 15 times per month, and two read one book a week, including the professional books I read for work. Well I sort of exceeded both my resolutions. I had a small calendar in my car, and every day after gym, I marked it. February and July I went to gym respectively 16 and 19 times, but the other six months that I still had gym membership, I went over 20 times each month. Hurry for me, lol. When I had to give up my gym membership at the end of August, I revised my resolution. I told myself that if for the next four months I did not gain any weight I would call it a success resolution. Well I went and lost over13 pounds in that four months. So YES, I would call that a success resolution.

I log the books I read into goodreads and for 2010 I was up to 55 books read. This number is excluding the professional books I read for work and later for school. I am connected to my friends on goodreads and I thought if I enter those books into the goodreads I would never hear the end of it, lol. So YES, I am calling my second minor resolution a success as well.

Now for this year, my major resolution was easy, I want to finish my program successfully, and hopefully before the year ends I want to either have a job, or have a job offer that I like very much to accept. And for my two minor resolutions, I decided one would be to train and participate in a race, and two to start dating!

While I was at my sisters she introduced me to a few running blogs. I am hooked on reading them regularly and have gotten inspired to run. Since I am still very much overweight, I thought I should lose more weight before attempting to start running. I have set a timeline for myself to lose about 10 pounds in the next five months, and sometimes at the end of May start training. I am thinking I could train the entire summer, and in the fall, depending on how fit I am, I would pick a 5K, or a 10K, or if I am very brave, a half marathon, to run.

For my other minor resolution I have been trying to have an open mind, and that was why I accept to go out on a date with my sister's former neighbor when he asked me New Year's Eve. My first thoughts when he asked was to say no, since I had met his soon to be ex. I just don't like to get involved with men that I have met their ex's at some point. I don't want/need the drama! But then even thought the year had not started and I could have said I start my resolution from tomorrow I decided against that, and I said yes. But I knew he was not for me!

The deal breaker for me of course is that he does not want any more kids. He has two preteen boys and he is worried about their future, their teen years, and their colleague tuition.

Anyhow, I said yes, but I think we might become good friends.

I had a great holiday and I didn't even try to have a good time!

Seriously, the previous few years I went out of my way to make sure I had a great time during the holidays, but by the end I felt that it was just an OK holiday. On the other hand, this year I did not even try, and I ended up having a marvelous holiday!

Here are the differences between this year and the previous few years:

1. The previous years during the Thanksgiving weekend I would get all my Christmas decoration out, I have tones, lol! I have been buying Christmas ornaments and lights since my senior year in college. Anyhow I would decorate both inside and outside of my home, giving it a festive look and feel makeover, lol. However, this year my Christmas decorations still packed, was moved from the basement to the garage, where it probably is going to stay for another holiday.
2. The previous years I would make cakes and cookies at least twice a week during the holidays, to take to work. I love the smell of baking. This year however, I did not have an oven, coworkers to bake for, or the time to bake. My only baking was one day at my sisters. And that one day was lots more enjoyable. Of course I should not be surprised that with all those baking, and eating loads of them, I would gain weight, and was miserable by the end of the holidays, not this year though, lol.
3. The previous years I would make flavored tea or coffee every night. And drink my delicious tea or coffee with cookies of course. This year, I did not have any flavored tea or coffee, and had neither a car nor money, to go to the mall, for what I now consider expensive, but when I was employed considered reasonably priced, flavored tea or coffee! This year I just drink my regular tea/coffee with one or two Dove dark chocolate while either studying for my final or working on my paper.
4. The previous years I would make a list of people I wanted to buy gifts for, and I would proceed to surf the web and go to the malls, hours at a time, to find the perfect gift. So not only I would spend ungodly amount of time on gifts, my budget for gifts would go out of the window almost every year, lol. This year, I spend only one day at the mall buying all the gifts I wanted, with the budget that I had set previously. At the end I felt that my family and friends LOVED my gift cards this year more than the thoughtful gifts I gave them the previous years. And of course nothing is more gratifying than the feeling that when you do something for your loved ones they truly enjoyed it.
5. The previous years I would contact my former coworkers and classmates to try and organize a get together lunch. The number of emails going back and forth between us, and me trying to find a day that would work for everyone, and then the place that would be convenient for everyone to attend was maddening! Ehen we finally got together always someone said something or act a certain way that ended up pissing someone else! I always felt bad that I was the culprit for bringing them together. This year I send an email notifying everyone that I would not be able to join them and hoped that they would go ahead without me. There are five different groups, lol, three groups had the celebration lunch but two sit this year out! Even though I missed seeing my old friends, but I am OK with that for now, lol.
6. My mom always insists that we girls either join them for Christmas Eve or Christmas Day, when in town. And we obey of course, lol. This year it was decided that it would be Christmas Day. Both my older sisters are married with kids. My younger sister has been dating her guy for few years now. So the previous years, when we all got together, I always felt that I am the odd woman out! As a result I never enjoyed Christmas as much as I wanted to! This year, unfortunately my younger sister's partner flow to his parents for the holidays, alone, because his mom is having a major health issue. I have been praying for her. Anyhow, my younger sister, my oldest niece who is a junior in college and without me noticing is all grownup and sophisticated all of the sudden, and I were without partners. We hangout together the whole day. I did not feel out of the place at all and ended up having a great time. I just wished that my sister's boyfriend could have been with us.
7. My older sister throws a New Year's Eve party. The tradition started when I was still in middle school. During the Thanksgiving weekend my parents were in a very serious accident. They spend over three weeks in the hospital. When it got close to the Christmas they were allowed to come home with all the hospital equipments they needed, including a hospital bed for each, and of course a fulltime visiting nurse. Just couple of days before Christmas we kids decided to have a tree, buy gifts, and have a great Christmas. Then my older sister decided to have a New Year's Day party and invited all our family, friends, and neighbors to come and visit our parents. The following year the party became a New Year's Eve party and she has been having it ever since. The only change was when she bought her house, the party was moved to her house. Anyhow, every year I need to get a nice dress for this party. Again the previous years I would spend ungodly amount of time and money on a dress for this party and at the end I would be so dissatisfied with myself and feel so very unattractive. This year I borrowed a dress from my younger sister when I was at her place. My younger sister is taller and bigger boned then me. But even though she is very fit and I am not, I was able to fit into one of her shorter dresses. Since it was short for her she had gotten it in a larger size and it became perfect for me. I still have a long way to get to my comfortable weight but the 10+ pounds that I have lost has made me feel more attractive. Needless to say I ended up enjoying the New Year's Eve party enormously. I was even asked on a date and I accepted, lol.

Did I miss anything? I don't think so. So yes, I had a great holiday.