I am starting to feel that I belong!

When I first started school, I had this pre-conceived notion that I didn't belong, since I was older than everyone else! I guess I felt embarrassed to a large extend for going to school this late in life.  My former colleagues, who had attempted school after working for a while, and part-time of course, were in their early 30s when they had first started school, and by the time they were about my current age, they were all done. Also the negative comments I heard from some of my colleagues when I quit my job, could have attributed to making me even more conscious that maybe it was too late for me to go back to school after all. In any case when I first started school, I felt very strongly, that I could never belong there, and I thought I better finish up as soon as I can and leave.

There was a department welcome party the first Friday after the school started. I forced myself to go. I am not a joiner! I don't do well in a social gathering if I don't go with someone that I have known for a long time! I suppose I never learned that social skill! I don't have any difficulty going to a conference or a training, by my lonesome! I can easily introduce myself to the person sitting next to me, and usually by the end of the day, we have exchanged cards, and would stay in touch by email! I don't have any problem entering the meeting room full of strangers, and introducing myself, or standing up to introduce myself to the new person when he/she walks in, but social meetings is another story all together!

It could be that I never had to be a joiner as I was growing up! Yeah, let me blame it on that! lol. I met my three best friends, for life, in kindergarten! Seriously! And we were inseparable all through school. We never went anywhere without each other. Yes, there were times when one was mad at another, but the other two usually fixed that situation, and we were back to our usual inseparable selves soon. In high school we even made a pact to attempt to attend the same college together! So when the time came to apply to schools, we all applied to the same schools. Thankfully, we got accepted to most of the schools we applied to, and had choices. One of my best friends and I ended up attending the same college, and our other two best friends went to another school together, only three-hour drive away from us. So even in college we were together, we majored in different disciplines, but we still hangout and studied together. We even requested, and were granted, to be roommates! My best friend and I got two other roommates and become good friends with them, but the bound between the four of us that were made back in the kindergarten, comes nowhere close to any friendship we have made later in life. I am still very close to all three, even thought one currently, because of her husband's work, lives on the other side of the world.

You know, my social skills are pretty much useless! It is really embarrassing to admit this, but I am almost 40 years old, and I was never a purser in a relationship! There have been guys that I liked a lot, but since I did not pursue them, nothing ever came out of it! That is how pathetic I feel my social skills are! Almost all my boyfriends were introduced to me and they all showed interest in me first, before I got the nerve to show them how much I liked them too! My ex-husband and I started our first job, on the same day, and a bound was formed then! I am sure that if one of us had started a week earlier, or a week later, we would have never gotten together, even though the company was small, there were only 40+ of us at the beginning, but he was very outgoing and I was not, so somehow I believe that we would have stayed just good colleagues!

Anyhow, as pathetic as I feel to admit this, I don't know any women in real life that can say, they never asked a man out, in this day and age! Even my mom asked my dad out! Seriously. My dad had some business in the place that my mom used to work. It was close to lunch time and not many were at their desks. My dad had been waiting for someone to answer his questions and help him out for a while, and he was getting very impatient! My mom saw that my dad was getting frustrated, went up to him, told him that there were many good restaurants in the area, asked him if he wanted to go grab something to eat, told him hopefully by the time they get back everyone had gotten back from lunch too, and would be able to take care of his requests promptly! So that was their first date, sort of. lol! My mom says that she only asked my dad out to lunch, just because he was so damn good looking, lol! And that was back in the mid 60s! 

Wow, what a tangent I went on! What was I saying? Yes, so I went to the department's beginning of the school year party early to feel comfortable before the majority of the students and professors were to arrive. I started talking to the few students that were there, but I never felt comfortable with anyone. Well, almost everyone I talked to were foreigners who had just come to the states, and I guess they were very conscious of their English, so they did not talk much, other than saying yes, or no. I talked to the organizers a bit, but they were still running around getting ready. So I was not able to make a connection and feel comfortable. Of course, there was my state of mind, I had just dropped one of my classes and I was very mad that I had to stay in school longer. Anyhow, more students started to arrive and I was still standing at the corner by myself. I couldn't even take one step to maybe join the group standing not too far from me, and no one made an effort to come talk to me either, so when I couldn't take it anymore, I left feeling even more out of place as when I got there!

So the first 5 weeks of the semester, I have gone to my classes without talking much to anyone. After my classes I promptly left for the library and have spend most of my days at the library, sort of isolated. My only contact had been that one time homework partner that did not end up pretty! I even communicated with my professors through email mostly. Then something wonderful happened Wednesday night!

I have been looking carefully at the personal pages of the professors in the department, checking their publications to see whose research interest comes close to the area I like to pursue. I have even pulled out a few publications and attempted to read them, but of course I haven't gotten too far! This past week, as I was looking at the menu bar to click on the faculty link, suddenly I noticed that under the faculty link there was the link to the visiting faculty page, and that under that, there were links to the staff and post-docs pages, and under them, the link to the graduate students page! I don't remember ever seeing these links before, but I am sure they were there all along! Funny thing is that I have been to that page, looking at that menu bar, at least 3 times that I can remember! lol.

So I clicked on the link to go to the graduate student's page, and to my surprise, I saw that I was listed there, with my picture; it was the ugly picture of my id! I noticed some of the other pictures were not id pictures, so hopefully I can have my picture changed too and soon! Anyhow, I clicked on my picture and it took me to my page! On my personal page, there was my info, including the undergrad school I attended, my undergraduate major, and the year I graduated. Also listed was my campus email, a room number and a phone number! I was about to panic, thinking they had published my cell number, when I saw that the phone number was not familiar! I had no idea what the room and phone number listed there were all about! So I made a mental note of the room number to check out later.

On Thursdays I have a class in the building that "my room" is supposedly located in, two floors above the floor of my class. So before going to class I made a detour to that floor, found the room, and beside it, to my surprise, I read the sign, "Graduate Student Lounge"! I had no idea that we had our own lounge! That is how isolated I had made myself!

Anyhow, I went in, it is a big room, with 7 computers, 2 laser printers, a copy machine, a couple of couches, a few tables and chairs around them, a refrigerator, a coffee machine, and two microwaves! Three students were behind the computers. One of them, when he saw me standing there, said hi and asked if he could help me! I introduced myself, and continued that I had no idea about this room! He looked at me with surprise, and asked if I was from that department, and so I said yes. Then he asked, didn't I attend the beginning of the year party? I said I did, but I had to leave early! He said it was announced there that this room was for the first year students, and that the second year students and beyond have their own offices, shared of course, 3 to 4 student to an office.

As I was about to leave, he asked me if I knew about the Friday pizza! I said no! He said that the department orders pizza on Fridays and it gets here between 11:30 and 11:45! He told me that I should come! He also told me to check my mailbox! Mailbox? I asked very surprised and said that was so 90s! lol. So, yes, we have a mailbox in the department office, which I have never been to, and we get notices, on paper, put in our boxes! I have no idea why! That is what email is for, right?

Anyhow, I went to my class and afterword I promptly returned to "my office"! Library has gotten very busy lately, especially in the early afternoons, between 1 and 5; some are very inconsiderate of the others and talk very loudly. It is very distracting. So I have been annoyed there lately. In my office, lol, it was very quiet and nice. When someone comes in, they say hi, socialize a bit, and then go to work on one of the computers, or sit to do their work. It had been a very pleasant few days. I have made a few acquaintances; we have discussed professors, our classes, our plans and so forth.

Another pleasant event happened Friday afternoon! As I was talking to one of the students telling her about my background, that my BS is from another department, and telling her that I am hoping that one of the professors would be willing to supervise me on a project that would hopefully be between our current department and my previous one, she said that I should to talk to Prof. T! Checking professors' backgrounds, I had not gotten that far down yet! Apparently this professor has completed his education in our department, but somehow his research has taken him to my undergrad department, and now he is part of both departments. I promptly checked his personal page to study his publications. Now I am very excited to go talk to him, and am very hopeful and excited at the possibilities of researching with him.

Yes, I have started to feel that I do belong at school and I shall be very successful too!