My first 5K Race

I run my first race yesterday and despite not being into it couple of days prior to the race, and totally ready to skip it, I did well. Seriously, I would have been a no show if I had not talked my best friends into running the race, and so because of them I couldn't not run!

Last week was not a good week! After three weeks I met with both my professors face to face. And both of them, separately, told me that I should take advantage of having lab-mates, that I should discuss with them my projects, get their opinions, and if I am stuck somewhere, to ask them for help, and not to waste valuable time trying to figure everything out on my own!

Right away these advices got translated in my mind as my professors being disappointed in my progress! I was able to handle one professor's constructive criticism but when the second one voiced the same concern, I got really mad at myself.

My critical internal voice is very brutal and unforgiving! In my own eyes I could suddenly become the biggest failure there is! So I started blaming myself that I was going to fail my project, I was going to fail my thesis, and thus fail in finishing my program, and thus fail in finding my next exciting and challenging job.

I am embarrassed to admit that being almost 40 years old, and having worked with some difficult people for almost 20 years, I have not yet learned to have a thick skin, to not take criticism too personally, to appreciate and take advantage of it instead, to accept and try to fix my shortcomings, to learn from my mistakes before they become a gigantic failure. But no, I take criticism very personally, and react to it in a passive aggressive manner.  I suddenly want to distance myself from everyone so that I could put myself down all by myself!

One of the ways I am able to quite my internal voice is to eat. So Thursday night when I headed out to go home, having forgotten to eat lunch, I started thinking about ice cream, chocolate cake, tiramisu, and cheese cake. I was trying to decide if I want to go to a grocery store to buy these or should I find the nearest Burger King to go for a double cheese burger, extra large fries, and extra large regular Pepsi!  Good thing I am broke, so I talked myself out of spending money, while thinking about my upcoming tuition I went home.

Another way I can quite my internal voice is to have a good cry! And so I started having a pity party for myself and cried for a good couple of hours.

Friday morning I had no energy to get up and go for a run. But decided to put on my running shoes and just go for a walk. After a few minutes suddenly I wanted to just run. So I did, lol! I hadn't eaten anything since the previous morning and so truly I had no energy to go far or fast, I run about 2.25 miles in half an hour.

After my run I decided to stick to my usual routine as much as I could and looked forward to J's visit. Thankfully, J had decided to come early, and just after 2 pm he called and said that he was here. I was so excited. I had not eaten lunch yet, so we headed out and had lunch while sitting outside. Thankfully, it had stopped raining.

I told J what my professors had advised me and asked him how much he thinks they were disappointed in me? He said that he does not know my professors personally, but most professors he knows, if they are disappointed in their students, they clearly voice their disappointments. He said that he thinks my professors can see that I am working hard, and am trying, and they are just pointing out to me the options that are available to me. I asked him if he too advices his students to approach their classmates or himself when they are having problems? He laughed and said, he has advised a few of his students in the opposite way, as in he has advised them to think about the problem they are trying to solve for a while before approaching someone for help!

J told me to approach my project and my thesis the same way I had approached my work projects. That is actually what I tried to do last week, to arrange a quite place for myself to think, to set a deadline for myself, and basically to give my day some structure.

I realized something! When I first started working in the mid 90s, if I encountered a problem, right away I turned to my colleagues or my boss for a solution. If they too had no idea, then I turned to texts or manuals. But the past few years, I had frequented a few forums and whenever I had problems, I would search those forums for a possible solution. Usually I could find not one but several solutions, and as a result, I always learned a few new things that I never thought I should know!

However, I think the difference between problem solving in industry and academia is that in industry, the problem one is facing, probably has been solved by 100s of people before; people who had taken pride in their work and had decided to share their solutions for others benefits on various forums. However in academia the problem one is facing, the way one is approaching it, probably is being worked on by only a handful of people. It is highly possible that there have been no publications yet. It is also highly possible that one of those handful of people working on the same problem is very well a lab-mate, so why not turn to him/her for help!

Yes, I felt very foolish taking such a simple suggestion by my professors so out of context! I thought to myself what J thinks of me; that I am such a child, that I am such a drama queen, that I am so immature!

Friday night we went to my parents for dinner, and I was fortune enough to be busy and not think about my foolishness. Once we go home however, the brutal internal voice was back! I tossed and turned the whole night, thinking I am going to lose J, why would he wants to be with such an immature drama queen, and I don't think I can survive losing him! The morning could have not come soon enough! Finally I got up at my usual time when J declared that he wants to run the race too.

Our plan was for my best friends and me to run, and for J and my friends' families to meet us at the finish line.

J declared that he is so ready to break the men's record! I hold back not to laugh; I knew the records, for men it is less than 15 minutes! No reflection on J, but I don't think too many men can run that fast! He asked don't I think he can beat that time? I told him, I only know that he was going to run his best, and I was going to run my best while trying to keep up with him! It felt so good, thinking positive, believing in my capabilities!

I text my friends that we were going to see them at the race's starting line. The venue was one hour drive away from us. So around 6 am J and I headed out. Stopped for tea and beagles on the way and got there right around 7:30 for J to register and for us to pick up our numbers and t-shirts.

Then my best friends got there and we were all ready to run. It was raining, windy and cold. But I kept up with J and finished at 29:46. My goal was to finish sub 30 minutes and I made it. I knew J just run the race to be by my side. I am not sure if I could have run this well if J was not by my side.

If I could give one advice to runners training for their first race, I would tell them to have a partner, or 2 or 3; the more the merrier. Having a running partner to train with and run the race with is priceless. As I said I don't think I would have run the race if it was not for my best friends running it too, and I wouldn't have run so well, for me, if it was not for J setting my speed.

I just remembered something! I was reading about an interview, last week, with the first lady. She was asked what advice she gives her daughters when they fall in love. She said, "Choose people who will lift you up. Find people who will make you better." I can't believe how lucky I am to have found someone who believes in me and who helps me and encourages me to be better in everything I want to do. I want to be able to return the same to J!