When I realized that my marriage was over, so many years ago, I was very angry. I was angry at myself first for not getting to know my then husband before marrying him, and I was angry at him for knowing full well he never ever wanted kids and he didn't mention it to me!
Now looking back, I don't fault either of us! We were young, in love, and so wrapped in our careers, that everything else came secondary. When we got married, even though we had been dating for couple of years and had been living together for a few months, we had not thought or talked about marriage seriously.
While on vacation, in a whim he asked me to marry him! I countered let's get married here and now. Conveniently we were in Vegas so making it official was easy. He later told me that he had not thought about or planned on asking me to marry him, it was just an impulse! He said he wanted and thought that I too wanted a big-planned wedding and was very surprised by my reaction.
Anyhow, my angry did not go away after my divorce was finalized. I hold on to those feelings for a very long time. Now I feel very foolish!
Last week, I watched a few clips of Diane Sawyer interviewing Jaycee Dugard, who was abducted at age 11, and was abused physically and emotionally for 18 years. One thing that I noticed from that interview was that Jaycee wasn't angry at her abductors. She said she had felt scarred, sad, and very lonely while under captivity, but she never said that she was/is angry! Diane Sawyer mentioned that her memoir is coming out, so I went to Amazon to place an order. I got delighted when I saw that an audiobook version of her book is also available and even more pleased when I saw that she is reading it. Thus I got it right away, put what I was listening to on hold, to start listening to Jaycee's story.
Again in the book she never says she is/was angry. And actually at the end she says, I don't want to pollute my body with feeling of anger. How amazingly smart she is.
I don't want to compare my situation to Jaycee's, just our state of minds! Here she is rubbed out of her innocence, her childhood, her teenage years, her high school years, almost all of her 20s, for 18 years being in fear, missing her mother, and before the birth of her children feeling lonely all the time, and she is not angry.
On the other hand, my time with my ex, so full of love, fun, excitement, and I was angry at him for not wanting to start a family with me, forgetting that he had given me the best years of my life, up to that point! Well I guess I was angry that it had come to an end!
Anyhow, I am not sure when the anger went away, but it is gone completely. Right now I am so happy. Right now I don't regret my past and don't want to change a thing in my past because then I wouldn't be where I am right now! Where I am right now is full of happiness and full of hope for an amazingly great future.
I guess some of my anger was also because of the fact that my ex had talked me out of going to graduate school in favor of spending the school tuition on a European vacation! So every time I felt inadequate at work, every time someone with a master's or PhD was respected and I wasn't, I got angry at my ex!
What kept me from functioning these past few years has been the hope that I could go back to school, that I could get my master's, and also that I could meet a great man, that we would start a family, and that we would grow old together.
Right now I am on the path that all my hopes are coming true finally.
Jaycee too had hoped! Her hope for the future allowed her to survive her ordeal. I highly recommend her book. It is so honest, and she clearly explains how she survived all those years, and how she sees her future and her family's future now.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Starting over!
It is hard to start over!
I guess growing up we learn that we are expected to do certain things at certain times. As a kid and teenager we are told that we have to go to school. At school we learn that is more fun to have friends; we learn a boyfriend is a must in high school! We are told to study hard to get into college. Once in college we are told to study hard to be ready for our future. When our education is successfully completed we are expected to get a job, earn a living, and be successful. Once our career is on the right track, we are expected to make our personal life successful too, to commit and get married, start a family, buy a house, etc.
Most people are lucky and follow the "right" path, the rest of us that somehow get off it, it could become very hard to get back on it again! We have to start from somewhere and that starting point could be difficult!
Obviously I am among the crowd that did not take the expected path and had to start over if I wanted to feel satisfied! I come back to school to bring my education to a level that I am more comfortable with. I have to say, it has been hard for me to sit in classes that I knew everyone was so much younger than me. At first I even thought my teachers were going to be younger than me, but that hasn't happened yet, lol.
In my classes since nobody actually talked to anyone much, it got easy and little by little I forgot about how old I am! But now that I am working in the lab with sociable friendly people, not that I am complaining, lol, but sometimes when I say something I get embarrassed by it!
For example, last week we were talking about the 4th of July celebration. One of my lab mates was very excited to be in the city this year for the first time and was very excited about seeing the fireworks. He asked me if I was excited to go see the fireworks. I told him that I was actually heading out of the town, but told him yes, watching fireworks is exciting. Then I told him that back in 1999 I was working for a company that was located near where the fireworks are played and everyone was invited to watch the fireworks from the rooftop of the building where we worked. I told him it was an amazing site and I had lots of fun that year. Then I remembered back in 1999 my 23 year old lab mate was an 11 year old boy! And now here we are doing more or less the same thing!
I can't wait for the next six months to be over, and successfully, so that I could hopefully be back on a path that maybe I am more comfortable being on.
I guess growing up we learn that we are expected to do certain things at certain times. As a kid and teenager we are told that we have to go to school. At school we learn that is more fun to have friends; we learn a boyfriend is a must in high school! We are told to study hard to get into college. Once in college we are told to study hard to be ready for our future. When our education is successfully completed we are expected to get a job, earn a living, and be successful. Once our career is on the right track, we are expected to make our personal life successful too, to commit and get married, start a family, buy a house, etc.
Most people are lucky and follow the "right" path, the rest of us that somehow get off it, it could become very hard to get back on it again! We have to start from somewhere and that starting point could be difficult!
Obviously I am among the crowd that did not take the expected path and had to start over if I wanted to feel satisfied! I come back to school to bring my education to a level that I am more comfortable with. I have to say, it has been hard for me to sit in classes that I knew everyone was so much younger than me. At first I even thought my teachers were going to be younger than me, but that hasn't happened yet, lol.
In my classes since nobody actually talked to anyone much, it got easy and little by little I forgot about how old I am! But now that I am working in the lab with sociable friendly people, not that I am complaining, lol, but sometimes when I say something I get embarrassed by it!
For example, last week we were talking about the 4th of July celebration. One of my lab mates was very excited to be in the city this year for the first time and was very excited about seeing the fireworks. He asked me if I was excited to go see the fireworks. I told him that I was actually heading out of the town, but told him yes, watching fireworks is exciting. Then I told him that back in 1999 I was working for a company that was located near where the fireworks are played and everyone was invited to watch the fireworks from the rooftop of the building where we worked. I told him it was an amazing site and I had lots of fun that year. Then I remembered back in 1999 my 23 year old lab mate was an 11 year old boy! And now here we are doing more or less the same thing!
I can't wait for the next six months to be over, and successfully, so that I could hopefully be back on a path that maybe I am more comfortable being on.
Second 5K race.
I run my second race yesterday. I am really happy with my time, 27:37. My goal was to shave 2 minutes from my time; I did better than that.
Unlike my first race there was no drama, lol. I stayed at my oldest sister's the night before my race. I did wake up a few times through the night, but I felt asleep right away. For my first race I was up most of the night. Anyhow, in the morning, my sister, my niece, and I went to the race.
Shortly after we got there, my friends arrived and while we were joking and laughing, it was time to start. We lined up and started together. I run with them for about 1/3 of the mile, averaged 11 minute mile, then I felt good enough that I decided to push myself. The next two miles I averaged 8.6 and 8.9 minute mile respectively, and the remaining distance I averaged 8.1! Yes, I can't believe it myself. I am so proud of my accomplishment.
My next race is a 5 miler in three weeks.
Unlike my first race there was no drama, lol. I stayed at my oldest sister's the night before my race. I did wake up a few times through the night, but I felt asleep right away. For my first race I was up most of the night. Anyhow, in the morning, my sister, my niece, and I went to the race.
Shortly after we got there, my friends arrived and while we were joking and laughing, it was time to start. We lined up and started together. I run with them for about 1/3 of the mile, averaged 11 minute mile, then I felt good enough that I decided to push myself. The next two miles I averaged 8.6 and 8.9 minute mile respectively, and the remaining distance I averaged 8.1! Yes, I can't believe it myself. I am so proud of my accomplishment.
My next race is a 5 miler in three weeks.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Movie Review: Bridesmaids!
Last Tuesday just after noon we lost power at school. At first I didn't care, the lab has big windows, so we were OK for light, and I was working on my computer with full batteries and didn't need the internet. But then it got very warm very quickly to the point that it was hard to breath. So I headed out to come to my parents for a little while when I run into my friendliest first year classmate and now good friend.
She said she was heading to the mall to do some shopping and grab something to eat. She was positive that the power would return within half an hour. So I decided to tagalong with her, killing some time and hoped that by the time we return there would be power.
At the mall, I decided not to buy any more clothing stuff, for one I am hoping that in couple of weeks all the summer pieces shall be ridiculously cheap and so I could indulge, and for another I am hopeful that by then I have lost all the weight that I am going to lose and thus I shall be buying cloths that would fit me for a long time. All the cloths that I got in May are all too baggy now.
So after my friend did her shopping, we got lunch to go, and were about to head back to school when my friend's housemate called to ask if she could get a ride home since the power had not returned yet at school! I asked my friend if she would just drop me off at a bus stop, but she suggested that we catch a movie; the movie theater was only two blocks away from the mall. I thought why not, I had already started being in the mode of holiday and celebration!
We drove to the theater and I saw this movie was still showing, so I thought it must be doing well that it is still on, and concluded that it must be funny and good! The showtime was about 40 minutes away, so we decided to wait while we eat our lunch.
From the get go I didn't like the movie, and probably would have left after about 20 minutes, if I thought my friend too wasn't enjoying the movie! But she was. She was laughing and absorbed into the movie. So I kept quiet, and decided not to ruin it for her.
The movie was long. Afterward I checked and it is a bit more than 2 hours long!
I felt the scenes were dragging and instead of being funny, they were annoying.
The story is about two best friends Lillian and Annie. Lillian is getting married and Annie is the maid of honor. They were such a close good friends that Lillian just assumed Annie is her maid of honor.
At the party to introduce close family and friends to each other, Annie is introduced to other bridesmaids. That is the part that my problem with the movie started! I thought if Annie and Lillian were such a close friends shouldn't Annie know Lillian's future sister-in-law already, since Lillian had been dating her fiancé for a while by then!
The other bridesmaid, Helen, was the new wife of the groom's boss, and she wanted to be Lillian's new best friend.
Anyhow, during the party the father of the bride toasted the bride and the groom and then asked the maid of honor to say a few words. I guess Annie was nervous and decided to make the toast short and sweet. Then Helen decided to make a toast. And the childish behavior that got me annoyed started here! After Helen, Annie took the stage and decided to outdo Helen. Then Helen went on to make herself look good in Lillian's eyes. These two took turns making one toast after another, for few more times, each one hoping to have the last word! It was suppose to be a funny scene but to me it actually wasn't funny at all.
So anyhow, would I recommend this movie to my friends, yes, but only when it is on DVD or on Demand, thus one would have a control of the remote and is able to fast forward if it got annoying!
Next movie review shall be Larry Crowne. I have already seen it and thought it was OK.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
I am getting a new bike.
I had a bike! I left it at my parents after I moved in with my ex, long long time ago! My parents kept it until a few years back and then after making sure I didn't want it anymore they gave it away.
J is an avid biker. He has mentioned a few times that I should get a bike. So I just ordered this one:
I LOVE 4th of July!
I didn't think it was possible for me to love the 4th of July holiday more than I already did. Apparently it is possible! Starting this year I am loving 4th of July 100 folds more than I did last year.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
My first 5K Race
I run my first race yesterday and despite not being into it couple of days prior to the race, and totally ready to skip it, I did well. Seriously, I would have been a no show if I had not talked my best friends into running the race, and so because of them I couldn't not run!
Last week was not a good week! After three weeks I met with both my professors face to face. And both of them, separately, told me that I should take advantage of having lab-mates, that I should discuss with them my projects, get their opinions, and if I am stuck somewhere, to ask them for help, and not to waste valuable time trying to figure everything out on my own!
Right away these advices got translated in my mind as my professors being disappointed in my progress! I was able to handle one professor's constructive criticism but when the second one voiced the same concern, I got really mad at myself.
My critical internal voice is very brutal and unforgiving! In my own eyes I could suddenly become the biggest failure there is! So I started blaming myself that I was going to fail my project, I was going to fail my thesis, and thus fail in finishing my program, and thus fail in finding my next exciting and challenging job.
I am embarrassed to admit that being almost 40 years old, and having worked with some difficult people for almost 20 years, I have not yet learned to have a thick skin, to not take criticism too personally, to appreciate and take advantage of it instead, to accept and try to fix my shortcomings, to learn from my mistakes before they become a gigantic failure. But no, I take criticism very personally, and react to it in a passive aggressive manner. I suddenly want to distance myself from everyone so that I could put myself down all by myself!
One of the ways I am able to quite my internal voice is to eat. So Thursday night when I headed out to go home, having forgotten to eat lunch, I started thinking about ice cream, chocolate cake, tiramisu, and cheese cake. I was trying to decide if I want to go to a grocery store to buy these or should I find the nearest Burger King to go for a double cheese burger, extra large fries, and extra large regular Pepsi! Good thing I am broke, so I talked myself out of spending money, while thinking about my upcoming tuition I went home.
Another way I can quite my internal voice is to have a good cry! And so I started having a pity party for myself and cried for a good couple of hours.
Friday morning I had no energy to get up and go for a run. But decided to put on my running shoes and just go for a walk. After a few minutes suddenly I wanted to just run. So I did, lol! I hadn't eaten anything since the previous morning and so truly I had no energy to go far or fast, I run about 2.25 miles in half an hour.
After my run I decided to stick to my usual routine as much as I could and looked forward to J's visit. Thankfully, J had decided to come early, and just after 2 pm he called and said that he was here. I was so excited. I had not eaten lunch yet, so we headed out and had lunch while sitting outside. Thankfully, it had stopped raining.
I told J what my professors had advised me and asked him how much he thinks they were disappointed in me? He said that he does not know my professors personally, but most professors he knows, if they are disappointed in their students, they clearly voice their disappointments. He said that he thinks my professors can see that I am working hard, and am trying, and they are just pointing out to me the options that are available to me. I asked him if he too advices his students to approach their classmates or himself when they are having problems? He laughed and said, he has advised a few of his students in the opposite way, as in he has advised them to think about the problem they are trying to solve for a while before approaching someone for help!
J told me to approach my project and my thesis the same way I had approached my work projects. That is actually what I tried to do last week, to arrange a quite place for myself to think, to set a deadline for myself, and basically to give my day some structure.
I realized something! When I first started working in the mid 90s, if I encountered a problem, right away I turned to my colleagues or my boss for a solution. If they too had no idea, then I turned to texts or manuals. But the past few years, I had frequented a few forums and whenever I had problems, I would search those forums for a possible solution. Usually I could find not one but several solutions, and as a result, I always learned a few new things that I never thought I should know!
However, I think the difference between problem solving in industry and academia is that in industry, the problem one is facing, probably has been solved by 100s of people before; people who had taken pride in their work and had decided to share their solutions for others benefits on various forums. However in academia the problem one is facing, the way one is approaching it, probably is being worked on by only a handful of people. It is highly possible that there have been no publications yet. It is also highly possible that one of those handful of people working on the same problem is very well a lab-mate, so why not turn to him/her for help!
Yes, I felt very foolish taking such a simple suggestion by my professors so out of context! I thought to myself what J thinks of me; that I am such a child, that I am such a drama queen, that I am so immature!
Friday night we went to my parents for dinner, and I was fortune enough to be busy and not think about my foolishness. Once we go home however, the brutal internal voice was back! I tossed and turned the whole night, thinking I am going to lose J, why would he wants to be with such an immature drama queen, and I don't think I can survive losing him! The morning could have not come soon enough! Finally I got up at my usual time when J declared that he wants to run the race too.
Our plan was for my best friends and me to run, and for J and my friends' families to meet us at the finish line.
J declared that he is so ready to break the men's record! I hold back not to laugh; I knew the records, for men it is less than 15 minutes! No reflection on J, but I don't think too many men can run that fast! He asked don't I think he can beat that time? I told him, I only know that he was going to run his best, and I was going to run my best while trying to keep up with him! It felt so good, thinking positive, believing in my capabilities!
I text my friends that we were going to see them at the race's starting line. The venue was one hour drive away from us. So around 6 am J and I headed out. Stopped for tea and beagles on the way and got there right around 7:30 for J to register and for us to pick up our numbers and t-shirts.
Then my best friends got there and we were all ready to run. It was raining, windy and cold. But I kept up with J and finished at 29:46. My goal was to finish sub 30 minutes and I made it. I knew J just run the race to be by my side. I am not sure if I could have run this well if J was not by my side.
If I could give one advice to runners training for their first race, I would tell them to have a partner, or 2 or 3; the more the merrier. Having a running partner to train with and run the race with is priceless. As I said I don't think I would have run the race if it was not for my best friends running it too, and I wouldn't have run so well, for me, if it was not for J setting my speed.
I just remembered something! I was reading about an interview, last week, with the first lady. She was asked what advice she gives her daughters when they fall in love. She said, "Choose people who will lift you up. Find people who will make you better." I can't believe how lucky I am to have found someone who believes in me and who helps me and encourages me to be better in everything I want to do. I want to be able to return the same to J!
Last week was not a good week! After three weeks I met with both my professors face to face. And both of them, separately, told me that I should take advantage of having lab-mates, that I should discuss with them my projects, get their opinions, and if I am stuck somewhere, to ask them for help, and not to waste valuable time trying to figure everything out on my own!
Right away these advices got translated in my mind as my professors being disappointed in my progress! I was able to handle one professor's constructive criticism but when the second one voiced the same concern, I got really mad at myself.
My critical internal voice is very brutal and unforgiving! In my own eyes I could suddenly become the biggest failure there is! So I started blaming myself that I was going to fail my project, I was going to fail my thesis, and thus fail in finishing my program, and thus fail in finding my next exciting and challenging job.
I am embarrassed to admit that being almost 40 years old, and having worked with some difficult people for almost 20 years, I have not yet learned to have a thick skin, to not take criticism too personally, to appreciate and take advantage of it instead, to accept and try to fix my shortcomings, to learn from my mistakes before they become a gigantic failure. But no, I take criticism very personally, and react to it in a passive aggressive manner. I suddenly want to distance myself from everyone so that I could put myself down all by myself!
One of the ways I am able to quite my internal voice is to eat. So Thursday night when I headed out to go home, having forgotten to eat lunch, I started thinking about ice cream, chocolate cake, tiramisu, and cheese cake. I was trying to decide if I want to go to a grocery store to buy these or should I find the nearest Burger King to go for a double cheese burger, extra large fries, and extra large regular Pepsi! Good thing I am broke, so I talked myself out of spending money, while thinking about my upcoming tuition I went home.
Another way I can quite my internal voice is to have a good cry! And so I started having a pity party for myself and cried for a good couple of hours.
Friday morning I had no energy to get up and go for a run. But decided to put on my running shoes and just go for a walk. After a few minutes suddenly I wanted to just run. So I did, lol! I hadn't eaten anything since the previous morning and so truly I had no energy to go far or fast, I run about 2.25 miles in half an hour.
After my run I decided to stick to my usual routine as much as I could and looked forward to J's visit. Thankfully, J had decided to come early, and just after 2 pm he called and said that he was here. I was so excited. I had not eaten lunch yet, so we headed out and had lunch while sitting outside. Thankfully, it had stopped raining.
I told J what my professors had advised me and asked him how much he thinks they were disappointed in me? He said that he does not know my professors personally, but most professors he knows, if they are disappointed in their students, they clearly voice their disappointments. He said that he thinks my professors can see that I am working hard, and am trying, and they are just pointing out to me the options that are available to me. I asked him if he too advices his students to approach their classmates or himself when they are having problems? He laughed and said, he has advised a few of his students in the opposite way, as in he has advised them to think about the problem they are trying to solve for a while before approaching someone for help!
J told me to approach my project and my thesis the same way I had approached my work projects. That is actually what I tried to do last week, to arrange a quite place for myself to think, to set a deadline for myself, and basically to give my day some structure.
I realized something! When I first started working in the mid 90s, if I encountered a problem, right away I turned to my colleagues or my boss for a solution. If they too had no idea, then I turned to texts or manuals. But the past few years, I had frequented a few forums and whenever I had problems, I would search those forums for a possible solution. Usually I could find not one but several solutions, and as a result, I always learned a few new things that I never thought I should know!
However, I think the difference between problem solving in industry and academia is that in industry, the problem one is facing, probably has been solved by 100s of people before; people who had taken pride in their work and had decided to share their solutions for others benefits on various forums. However in academia the problem one is facing, the way one is approaching it, probably is being worked on by only a handful of people. It is highly possible that there have been no publications yet. It is also highly possible that one of those handful of people working on the same problem is very well a lab-mate, so why not turn to him/her for help!
Yes, I felt very foolish taking such a simple suggestion by my professors so out of context! I thought to myself what J thinks of me; that I am such a child, that I am such a drama queen, that I am so immature!
Friday night we went to my parents for dinner, and I was fortune enough to be busy and not think about my foolishness. Once we go home however, the brutal internal voice was back! I tossed and turned the whole night, thinking I am going to lose J, why would he wants to be with such an immature drama queen, and I don't think I can survive losing him! The morning could have not come soon enough! Finally I got up at my usual time when J declared that he wants to run the race too.
Our plan was for my best friends and me to run, and for J and my friends' families to meet us at the finish line.
J declared that he is so ready to break the men's record! I hold back not to laugh; I knew the records, for men it is less than 15 minutes! No reflection on J, but I don't think too many men can run that fast! He asked don't I think he can beat that time? I told him, I only know that he was going to run his best, and I was going to run my best while trying to keep up with him! It felt so good, thinking positive, believing in my capabilities!
I text my friends that we were going to see them at the race's starting line. The venue was one hour drive away from us. So around 6 am J and I headed out. Stopped for tea and beagles on the way and got there right around 7:30 for J to register and for us to pick up our numbers and t-shirts.
Then my best friends got there and we were all ready to run. It was raining, windy and cold. But I kept up with J and finished at 29:46. My goal was to finish sub 30 minutes and I made it. I knew J just run the race to be by my side. I am not sure if I could have run this well if J was not by my side.
If I could give one advice to runners training for their first race, I would tell them to have a partner, or 2 or 3; the more the merrier. Having a running partner to train with and run the race with is priceless. As I said I don't think I would have run the race if it was not for my best friends running it too, and I wouldn't have run so well, for me, if it was not for J setting my speed.
I just remembered something! I was reading about an interview, last week, with the first lady. She was asked what advice she gives her daughters when they fall in love. She said, "Choose people who will lift you up. Find people who will make you better." I can't believe how lucky I am to have found someone who believes in me and who helps me and encourages me to be better in everything I want to do. I want to be able to return the same to J!
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